The “Real” Bundesliga Holiday Shopping List

Nothing says Merry Christmas like Uli Hoeness in a Santa suit but if you’re short on imagination we have a few products from the various Bundesliga club shops to keep you busy this holiday season.  So get the fireplace going, pull up a blanket, some hot chocolate, or cold beers, and take out those checkbooks because you will not want to miss out on these once in a lifetime deals!  Act now, offers last only until the end of the Hinrunde!

**Warning** Product description may not appear as follows at official club stores.

Flaunt your stuff like Uli at the local Christmas market.

FC Bayern Wallet with official logo – 19.95 Euros

Want to look chic shopping on Marienplatz and impress all those pretty ladies at the cash register?  Look no further than the official Bayern leather wallet.  Comes with secured locking mechanism and fake bills for decoration. Also comes fully accessorized with anti spending technology. In typical Bayern fashion, you too can now decide not to open it.

Official FC Bayern Grill Apron with Neck Loop – 19.95 Euros

Feeling domesticated?  Well, nothing says artificial happiness like the official FC Bayern cooking apron.  Now you too can be a good Bayern housewife for the unbeatably low price of 19.95 Euros.  If you have always wondered what it was like being with a professional footballer, you can now fully realize that fantasy by putting on this impeccable apron, breaking out the frying pan and cooking a meal fit for a defensive midfielder.  For an additional 5 Euros, your official Grill Apron comes decorated in the musk of a freshly cooked weisswurst to add additional realism.  Get your Official Bayern Grill Apron in Osram Red or Uli Black.

Official Wolfsburg Ashtray – 5.95 Euros

Made of plexiglass and painted in cool forest green, the official club ashtray comes in handy for all chain smoking Wolfsburg supporters.  Hand crafted by artisan ashtray makers in the Far East and branded by Felix Magath himself, the official wolfsburg ashtray is there in your time of need. Most important of all, it is child friendly.  Because god knows, if you are a Wolfsburg supporter, you may as well raise your kids as smokers early on.

 Schalke branded Playstation 3 Controller – 44.95 Euros

Remember that time Schalke beat Real Madrid with Raul scoring against his former club in extra time to lift the Champions League trophy?  Or the time Schalke narrowly edged out Bayern München on the last matchday of the season to claim the Bundesliga title? Well, neither do we and if you do it may have to do with a severe lack of sleep.  However, with the official Schalke branded and colored PS3 controller you can turn such fantasy into reality.  And rest assured, it is the only feasible way you will see something like that happen.  Best of all? It was designed by Ruhr valley miners, a real product of the people!

 Official Lukas Podolski 1. FC. Köln Action Figure

Are you still hung up about that embarrassing sweater you received last Christmas?  Wash away those thoughts and get ready for the ultimate toy to make all your friends at school jealous.  This multi purpose, fully articulated, 12 inch, 100% polyresin action figure will turn you from schoolboy schlub to playground Prinz. Like its real life counterpart, the official Lukas Podolski action figure comes with 2 key functions, automated tear action (to celebrate dramatic wins or articulate at press conferences) and single jointed foot action (to replicate the dynamic left leg of Podolski).  It also comes accessorized with a fluorescent light to signal for help in case you are lost.

VfB Stuttgart Fan Calendar 2012 – 12.95 Euros

A must have for all Stuttgart supporters, the 2012 Fan Calendar includes all 6 months of the 2012 calendar year and highlights all the important fixtures in the club’s schedule.  Plan your year accordingly beginning in January to the end in June as you prepare to passionately follow the club you love. The official Stuttgart Fan Calendar is also environmentally friendly, made of recycled unused match ticket stubs and printed on pages left over from Ciprian Marica’s extensive contract.  Get the limited exclusive version with European fixtures (supplies may vary) or save the printing company additional ink and get the reduced version with no European fixtures for 5 Euros less. (includes free shipping)

The Official Borussia Dortmund Piggy Bank – 12.95 Euros

Start the “Keep Götze in Dortmund” fund early with your very own Klopp endorsed Piggy Bank.  Dortmund announced a 9.5 million Euro profit this year precisely because of last year’s edition of this great product.  Inspired in part by American actor Bill McKinney and in part by Dortmund Sport Director Michael Zorc’s innovative new fiscal policy of collective financial contribution, the all new upgraded Dortmund Piggy Bank fits not just coins but large bills and is implanted with the colorful sounds of the Signal Iduna Park.  And every time you deposit money Kevin Grosskreutz’s voice will personally thank you for the contribution.

Werder Bremen Wall Clock – 24.95 Euros

Turn back time with the official Werder Bremen Wall Clock, an absolute steal at just under 25 Euros.  Is your blood pressure abnormally high? Are you losing sleep over a potential Claudio Pizarro injury? Are you fed up of conceding goals in buckets?  Fret no more! The revolutionary mechanism imbedded in the Werder Bremen Wall Clock allows you to turn back to a more pleasant period so you can avoid further trips to the Doctor’s office and you can finally come off the heart medication.  Revisit the great days of Otto Rehhagel and a youthful Claudio Pizarro fresh off his flight from Lima.

Have any other items you feel belong on this Holiday Shopping List? Feel free to leave a comment below.

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Cristian Nyari

Cristian is a football writer and analyst living in New York City, fascinated with the history and study of the beautiful game and all it entails. Follow Cristian on twitter @Cnyari

9 Comments

  1. Brilliant, absolutely brilliant! Made me chuckle at every paragraph, except the Werder Bremen part, mostly because as a Werder fan, I know it’s too true that we rely too much on Pizarro…

  2. Hey! The Schalke slams were a bit much, but I guess I could replay the game against Inter from last year’s Champions League. Yes, I think I will.

  3. Yes. Mentioning the Bayern aprons, does anyone remember the carnival suits (and other bizarre merchandise. Rubber duck with a huge glass of beer, anyone?) the Koln club shop were selling earlier this year? They had it up on Bundesliga.de a a long while back. Those things were partly brilliant, and partly the final nail in the coffin of my belief in human sanity.

  4. Thanks Jonah, I thought you would. 😀

    And yes, the piece is littered with symbolism, it’s got symbolism coming out the ying yang.

    Shall I order everyone one of those aprons? 😀

  5. “And every time you deposit money Kevin Grosskreutz’s voice will personally thank you for the contribution.”

    Frankly, I’d pay money to NOT have this happen. In fact, I’d pay money to not have Kevin Grosskreutz happen.

  6. I enjoyed this immensely. Is there any symbolism in the fact that the Dortmund piggy bank looks somewhat like Lukas Podolski?

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