Bundesliga’s Masked Avengers: Der Capitano and the Hunter power their sides to super results

Holy masked match winners, Bundesliga fans—real life super scorers!

Two heroes from the working class neighborhoods of Leverkusen and Gelsenkirchen —each a possessor of footballing powers unmatched by the common man; a pair driven by a will to win and high-tech, power-bestowing, nasal region-covering  masks; Capitano and the Hunter are Bundesliga’s super footballers.

Ballack by day, Capitano by floodlit Kaiserslautern night

Michael Ballack is no stranger to Kaiserslautern. Many moons ago, before being placed in a space capsule and nefariously launched out of Kaiserslautern, he himself was one of Die Roten Teufel, the gang that bosses the renowned Fritz-Walter-Stadion. Friday night, with the eyes of all Bundesliga followers upon him, Ballack—behind the mask of the great Capitano—made a return to Kaiserslautern with Bayer Leverkusen to take down the Red Devils once and for all.

No evil goes unpunished with the Capitano!

From the outset, Capitano put his supernatural leadership abilities on display, dictating the flow of the game and pulling the Bayer strings from midfield.  POOF!  Utilizing his ultra-intelligence, from out of nowhere he would pop up to receive a pass.  ZING!  In the blink of an eye he would send the ball off to a teammate. ZOOM!  With superhuman hustle he ran down 50-50 balls and cut out opposition advances.

It was in the 53rd minute, however when Capitano struck the death blow to the Kaiserslautern forces.  After a bit of sustained Leverkusen pressure, he drifted to the top of the ‘Lautern box, received a well placed square ball and…KAPOW!  He unleashed a shot faster than a speeding bullet and in a flash the ball was upon goalkeeper Kevin Trapp. Struck with such ferocious force, the young Trapp could do nothing but deflect the ball ever so minutely off of its twine-bound course.  Goal to Capitano, 1-0 to the good guys!

BOOM!  ‘Lautern did not know what hit them as the prodigal son, Capitano, returned to lead Leverkusen to a 2-0 victory and assuage the memory of his exile.

Gelsenkirchen’s friendly neighborhood Hunter

While on a footballing holiday in Cyprus, Klaas-Jan Huntelaar found himself in the wrong place at the wrong time when compatriot Kyriakos Papadopoulos’ radioactive elbow flew wildly through the air. Elbow, meet face.  Immediately following the collision there was blood, an upset Dutchman, many apologies and a substitution.

When the next Bundesliga match day rolled round a couple of days later, Huntelaar was nowhere to be seen. Trotting out in his place was plucky Teemu Pukki; and while the young Finn bagged a brace that day, this past Saturday when the Gelsenkirchen side played host to Nürnberg, a masked man henceforth known as the Hunter lined up as Schalke’s “No.9.”

The Hunter was on the prowl against Nürnberg.

Blessed with extraordinary chance sensing abilities, the Hunter prowled the opposition penalty area all afternoon.  FWIP!  He latched onto countless passes with incredible touch. And after just 13 minutes…WOOSH!  He pounced on a shot parried by Nürnberg netminder Schäfer and deftly placed it into the goal for an early 1-0 lead.

Teammate Raúl—the one-named sidekick to the Hunter’s Batman—would double Schalke’s advantage before the interval.

The Hunter and his superhuman nose for goal did not stop the pursuit and picked up right where he left off as the second half commenced.  About twenty minutes after the restart, Königsblauen youngster Julian Draxler flew up the pitch with a cleared Nürnberg corner and upon reaching the penalty area—SWOOSH!  The Hunter arrived on the scene, settled a pass from Draxler and THUMP!  With otherworldly precision, he lashed the ball past a helpless Schäfer for a brace!

Not long after, the Hunter was allowed a rest and a trot off the pitch to the adoration of the Gelsenkirchen faithful; and even without their masquerading forward leading the line, Schalke coasted to three points and added a fourth goal in the process.

Two masked men avenging broken noses and lost time on the pitch. Two masked men hitting the back of the net by way of uncanny power. Two masked men with great responsibility to replicate such strong performances in the future, not only for themselves, but for their clubs, their cities and its innocent civilians best protected by positive results.

Two masked men, one Bundesliga—all back next week, same football times, same football channels.

Images courtesy of spox.com and AP

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