In the tradition of Jonathan Swift, whose “A Modest Proposal” is a classic of satire, Bundesliga Fanatic friend Jonah Gadsby muses on Manchester City’s ‘almost’ victory over a ‘lucky’ Bayern Munich Tuesday in Champions League action.
Disgusted. That’s what I am after witnessing a spectacle of public violence such as Manchester City’s game against the dogs of Bayern Munchen, the representatives of a nation so removed from the vestiges of civilization that they can’t even spell “Munich” correctly. Now I am a cultured man; I have the highest esteem and respect for foreigners, I am known for being firm but fair, but this is too much. I propose that as a result of this nightmarish display of anti-football, which, frankly, we all expected knowing that they are German, I propose that Germany be banned from European competition and beaches forever.
To slightly adapt the classic film version of the Bible, what have the Germans ever do for us? Have there ever been any world-class German players? How is their league compared to The Greatest League In The World? The answer to all of those questions is ‘NO!’. Now I know the liberal media that is destroying this country will castigate me for telling the truth, and call me a xenophobe, but frankly I’ve had enough. England is better than Germany every way you look at it. That’s not “xenophobia”, it’s just a fact, plain and simple, and anything to the contrary is PC gone mad. To prove it, when was the last time the Germans beat us in a real contest of football? Never. The scheming sausage suckers have never won a fair contest against a team of Englishmen. The most recent Fair match played between the two sides resulted in a 5-1 win for England. How do I know it was fair? Because England won.
As for the German style of play? Defensive. Not like our all out total footballing English hard work ethic. You may say that the Bundesliga has a higher amount of goals than England does, but that doesn’t prove anything. That just proves that when the ball gets near to the goal, all of the cocky “bravery” that German goalkeepers have deserts them and they try to hide behind the goal. Not like our English goalkeepers. Just look at the world cup last year: Manuel Neuer was only spared the total humiliation of a goal festival from our brave lads by a linesman who wouldn’t know the superiority of the English people if it bit him on the bottom. On the contrary, our brave lads never gave up a fair goal, and played with a steel and grit that made us unstoppable in the goalkeeping department not just against the Germans, but throughout the tournament.
German teams aren’t like us enterprising English. We English have always given youth a chance, just like in the early ’90s with the Fergie Babes. When did the Germans give youth a chance? Now don’t you hit me with your “ooh, Dortmund” or “Well the German national team’s average age is 23”. Don’t think I haven’t heard that rubbish before. What you PC Brigade don’t notice is that while that may be what the facts say, and what the stats say, but do stats or facts really know more than the expert line-up of media and football professionals on Sky? Do those stats get paid millions to give their insight? No. I think I’ll choose to believe the experts on this one, not facts that anyone can tell you.
Germany, unlike England, doesn’t have a culture, footballing or otherwise. “Waaah, that’s xenophobic!” I hear the liberal hypocrites whine, but it’s common sense, just look at it. Musically England gave the world Handel, while Germany has only given us Lena Meyer-Landrut. England has given the world beer of the quality of famous traditional brands such as Carling, while in Germany they only drink rat piss. English football grounds are always loud and full, giving the world famously witty chants such as the one that goes “doo-dah, doo-dah”, “Park eats dog”, “Who ate all the pies?”, and the true masterwork “You’re Shit”. German grounds are as quiet as a graveyard, and even when you can hear them they speak some unintelligible gibberish which certainly isn’t English.
As a proud Englishman with nearly 2000 years of pure saxon blood thundering through my veins, I was disgusted by the spectacle of disgrace served up by Bayern’s team of paid mercenaries to England’s honest, loyal, working lads doing what they love not for the money but for the joy and the honour of playing. Whatever you say, Manchester City’s squad had a higher homegrown quota than Bayern, most of them being plucked from their youth academy in North London, simply by virtue of Germany not having a homegrown quota, forcing Englishmen to slave away doing the jobs that the lazy Germans won’t do. And don’t you throw facts like Germany being the third most productive nation in the world because that’s absolute shite. England would be number one if lazy immigrants who’ve never done a day’s work in their lives didn’t come here and steal our jobs.
Nonetheless, I think when all is said and done, Bayern’s players can count their lucky stars that they left the field in possession of their lederhosen, such is the humiliating thrashing our brave boys subjected them to. Manchester City gave old Johnny Foreigner a hiding that he won’t forget soon, doing it with flair and panache, and yet the Germans are claiming a victory, because they can’t win anything for themselves so they have to steal it, like all Continentals. ‘Tis a good thing that I can rest easy in the knowledge of our English superiority.